I hate to read long jokes.
I have no time.
These are exceptions'.
They are funny!
I promise, it's worth your time.

Alex.

 

One day last week, a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers 
did for a living. 
  
All the typical answers came up:  Fireman, Mechanic, Businessman, Salesman, 
Doctor........ 
 
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher 
prodded him about his father, he replied, 
 
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in 
front of other men and they put money in his underwear.  Sometimes, if the offer 
is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for 
money." 
 
 The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other 
children to work on some math problems and then took little Justin aside to ask 
him, "Is that really true about your father?" 
 
 
 
"No," the boy said,  "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is 
helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too 
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." 

 See,  I told you.

 

Here's one more,

A Muslim was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. 

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." 

 

This one is really long.  Great for business owners and people with humor.


PLEASE READ EACH MEMO IN ORDER (TOP TO BOTTOM) AND,

ENJOY THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT!!!

Subject: Christmas Party
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>TO: All Employees
>
>DATE: December 01, 2007
>
>RE:
Christmas Party
>
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 21, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

===================================================================

>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>TO: All Employees
>
>DATE: December 02, 2007
>
>RE: Holiday Party
>
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present.

No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for
your enjoyment.

Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

====================================================================

>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>TO: All Employees
>
>DATE: December 03, 2007
>
>RE: Holiday Party
>
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

====================================================================
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>To: All Employees
>
>DATE: December 04, 2007
>
>RE: Holiday Party
>
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it
home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though.

We will have
booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high
blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

==================================================================
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>TO: All Fucking Employees
>
>DATE: December 05, 2007
>
>RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
>
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

====================================================================
>FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>
>DATE: December 06, 2007
>
>RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

 

 

YOUR ATTITUDE CAN DO WONDERS

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'

Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'

Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'


Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'
This is how business is done!!


Moral:
Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive
 

POPULAR YOUNG RABBI ANNOUNCES HIS RESIGNATION
 
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is  a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldberg, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldberg, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:
 
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
 
"Fuck the Rabbi!'".

 

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he
found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton
received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you
from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womens restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION: WET- FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT' S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,

Wal-Mart

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
 both married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in
the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the
man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be
willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold. ''I have a better idea,'
she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married. ''Wow! That's a great idea!' he
exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin'
blanket.' 
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home 
because she is not feeling well.
 "What's the matter?" he asks.
 "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
 "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
 "I can't see my ass coming into work today."